For You To Win In This Life

I spent almost ten years with cocaine, adderall and xanax. 

Then, my pet name for the sun was Evil Eye cuz when the world was waking up, I was still giving myself to last night and even if no one else could see...the sun knew.

I once broke into the wrong house because I was so fucked up that I couldn't see 1. that wasn't my door & 2. the keys were in my purse. 

In those days, it wasn't just the drugs I was addicted to. 

I had a pattern of tragedy, sadness & heartbreak. I was obsessed with pain. All of my time spent scanning for threat & although the origin of that was valid, it was an easy jump to excuse. 

An excuse to not try. It won't work out anyway.

An excuse to give up. Even if I get it, I'll just end up losing it.

An excuse to hide. No one likes me anyway.

Those were the metrics for my life. 

Pretty narrow, right?

One day I got on the little white scale in my bathroom. 

It said, in red: 75.

My hands shook.

If things didn't change, and quick, I was going to die. 

Nothin' like a wake up call from death to invite different priorities into your life. 

And still, it would take years of study for me to restructure my identity into a person who was actually alive.

In the beginning, I just wanted the pain to stop.

I wanted to look in the mirror and not cringe.

And then, as I gained momentum, 

I wanted to be someone I was proud of.

The woman writing to you today, cozy on her giant couch with a fluff blanket & cup of coffee, tapping away on a laptop with a to-do list of work projects...

the woman who goes to yoga, tends to her kids, teaches people how to lead meditation & start businesses...

the woman who, in the last 5 years, has worked with over 40 humans in a one-on-one capacity & over 200 in classes, workshops, events & retreats...

this woman is someone I once dreamed. 

Identity is not fixed and you aren't bound by your history. 

There's an art & a strategy to molding yourself intentionally.

My question for you is this:

how sincerely do you wanna close the gap between who you are & the person you're meant to be?

I don't know what challenges you've faced or the things that knocked you to your knees.

I don't know the reason you've given up on yourself, on your dreams. I don't know how you numb or how you cope or what keeps you awake at night.

But I do know I'm a stand for you to win in this life.

If you want to hear more of my story or see a pic of the addict iteration of my history, check out this video about me.

It's Winter Solstice Eve, currently. The darkest day of the year. May the darkness be a reminder of how much light there is in our lives.

Wishing you continued success on your path of personal development.

Love,

Jemini